Free Day

You place the sunflowers on our heads You place the fragrance of intoxicating drink Into our desert minds  You place the weeping God into our clenched fists

I've known about death through the loss of family and friends, but never have I walked with someone through it for 3 months almost daily. To know what to say or pray was beyond challenging. AND my favorite friend, Soo (Sue) Prince had the worst cancer - pancreatic - incredibly painful. Soo has been my playmate in America, as well as across the pond in her country, England. Her wicked humor and love for Jesus was a lovely mix. I'm sad, frustrated, disappointed at her life being cut off before fully lived. I awoke early September 17th and sent her a prayer, "Jesus, absorb Soo's pain for her. She needs your promises to be true." I found out a few hours later Jesus had indeed absorbed her pain and she knows His promises to be true. She is in my cloud of witnesses now.

I have crawled through the shock of a quadruple bypass these past few months. The miracles are plenty. The emotions are frayed. The recovery process is arduous. Only the intimacy I've forged with Jesus sustains sanity. Hearing His voice remains a constant. A necessity. A wondrous love that I crave daily.

I recently discovered this pic with two of my seven brothers. Astonished at the artistic setting, I’m sure the parent who pressed the shutter had no idea of its creative poignant setting. The babe in front of me no longer lives on earth. He departed tragically. I want to write his story. Then I discovered I had written these words a time ago. “My brothers” The eldest bent down and whispered, “You go girl.” The next one in line took my hand kissing it with, “Move ahead of me.” The sad one hugged me hard wishing he was here for me. That he is sorry for departing early. Yet he says I believed in him, so believe now in me.

A few weeks ago a friend asked if I needed encouragement about the ways I love to create. I looked across my living room at a pillow that existed solely with pins. I could not get up the energy to sew this pillow painting I had created surrounded by fabric that I loved from long ago. However, I learned during COVID that hand stitching pillows actually calms me down. I gathered that pillow full of pins into my lap and over 3 days, the pins moved to the pin cushion with tiny stitches taking their place. All the while remembering a bit of profundity with Holy Spirit. Days prior to this, I had been stretching after a bike ride. I found myself thinking about quantitative and qualitative time with Father God. I heard Him rather quickly speak into my thoughts - He said it's neither - it's about stillness .... Whoa - stitching slowly gave way to that stillness.

The photo headlining this blog smacks of nostalgia for me. A happy moment in grad school. With one of my very cool professors. The day we both wore western boots. The season when my weight delighted me. I do not want the good ole days again. However, I do want me being me, liking me, no matter the wrinkles or body shifts. My choice. Yet, I need you BIG, Father God.

I remember vividly my 5-year-old self being excited to play at a friend’s house because she could color better than me. No matter how hard I tried, I could not color inside the lines. The teacher’s voice resounded in me that I was not good enough because my crayons always went outside the lines. Hence, as an adult when I ventured into playing with paint, I found confusion reigning as I still could not color (paint) inside the lines to create realism. Everything looked more or less abstract. I sought out an art teacher to help my wandering hand. I semi-joked with her that I must be an abstract painter. She contradicted me saying that “I just needed practice.” Recently, I shared some of my paintings with a fellow artist who does draw inside the lines quite professionally. Again, I joked about being abstract. Her response jolted me: “You keep saying you are not a painter, but I love your paintings. I think you are very gifted with using color to convey feeling and emotion. Some call that abstract. I would love to be able to paint abstract, and it actually look good. I want to encourage you to not try to make it look like something, because the something you have can’t be replicated! Just go with the color and movement!” She, the expert, shocked me by placing my spinning axle right where God always intended it to be-in my uniqueness. I am meant to color outside the lines. SO ARE YOU!

On a random walk, so random I walked away from home, not towards so caught up in just the wandering and the sight of the beautiful architecture of Capitol Hill. Wait. Stop. Under a tree - just tossed at its base - these beautiful flowers - not dead, but alive. I gathered them up in my gloved hand wondering why their abandonment. I pointed myself toward home and plunged this delightful find into a glass of water. Restored to their former glory. I LOVE flowers and surprises and being unexpectedly loved. Loved by God. Feeling that pinch of restoration of hope in this secluded season.

A Few Bright Spots to COVID I say bright because I discovered some of my crazy habits during this season of social distancing and isolationism that have now been given permission to depart saving me time and tension! For instance: - I’m letting a bit of my eyebrows to grow back in – tired of that endless pluck pluck pluck - AND oh my goodness, I do not need to do crazy awkward things to keep my bangs perfecto every day – they actually look better left on their own – sing hallelujah - Same goes for my entire head of hair – another hallelujah - Rhythm is my new vocabulary word. I did not know I did not live in healthy rhythm – new drum beats - I have learned what the heck Sabbath really is – let’s rest and create and laugh - I discovered how much I like check lists to make me feel successful – ouch. They have been an excuse for not chillin’ – still working on that pressure I place upon my being - Despite Zoom fatigue, I am taking virtual classes. Affordable. International connections. - I’ve learned to shop on-line- who knew that could make life much, much easier - I’ve learned to read e-books but had to order blue tinted glasses – worth it - I can take creative breaks without feeling guilty – yes, sir, yes ma’am - Best of all I’ve learned to make pillows out of my art and hand stitching them calms me down – who would have ever thought……………. - Finders Keepers